Actor and writer Erin McCluskey has spent the last five years researching, interviewing and weaving together the stories of people affected by a little-known mental health disorder known as depersonalization disorder. The final product is her newly completed short documentary film, “Absent of Me.” PositiveVibes Magazine had the chance to chat with the former crisis intervention specialist turned filmmaker about what inspired her to take on this project and what she hopes audiences will gain from it.
PVM: What’s Your Story, Erin?
I’ve always been equally passionate about mental health and the creative arts. I grew up in Ridgefield, Connecticut and moved to New Orleans, Louisiana to pursue my college education at Tulane University where I double majored in psychology and theater.
After graduating in 2013, I wasn’t sure how I was going to marry two full-time passions into one career path and questioned whether it was even possible. Slowly, I began pursuing a professional acting career in film and television while also taking on a support staff job at a substance use treatment facility for adolescents, where I helped facilitate discussions on life skills and coping techniques.
I then spent five years working as a crisis intervention specialist answering calls on various regional and national mental health crisis hotlines and became certified in Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training (ASIST). Although I have since moved on from crisis intervention work, I’ve carried the lessons learned from that experience into my creative pursuits.
PVM: What Inspired You to Create Your Own Short Film?
I started struggling with my own mental health at a relatively young age. Throughout my life I’ve experienced anxiety, depression, and long periods of depersonalization. In an effort to share my own story, I originally wanted to make a narrative short film centered around a character living with a unique mental health disorder known as depersonalization disorder.
Right away, I realized that the lack of public awareness about the condition would make it difficult to create a fictional story people could relate to without an educational component to the film. It became clear the subject matter would be better suited for a documentary format. This way, it would create an opportunity to incorporate the stories of others living with the same disorder. When I first learned about depersonalization disorder and could finally put a name to what I had been struggling with for so many years, it amazed me that no mental health professional had ever mentioned the term before. That’s when I knew this was an important project that could offer value to others.
PVM: So What Exactly Is Depersonalization Disorder?
While many people define it differently for themselves, depersonalization disorder — also referred to as depersonalization-derealization disorder — is a condition in which a person feels detached from their own sense of self. They may feel as if they’re watching themselves from outside of their own body or as if nothing around them feels real. It’s essentially a state of dissociation. While all of us experience dissociation from time to time, people with depersonalization disorder feel these feelings all the time or may find that it comes in waves.
PVM: Tell Us About “Absent of Me”
“Absent of Me” is a roughly 25-minute short documentary that gives us a look into the lives of nine different people across five U.S. states and three countries living with depersonalization disorder. The film is predominantly narrated by medical writer and author Jeffrey Abugel, who created the non-profit organization the Initiative for Depersonalization Studies (IDS). The organization offers virtual support groups and works to raise awareness of depersonalization disorder in the media.
By featuring personal stories along with Jeffrey’s medical knowledge, the film allows audiences to gain an educational understanding of the disorder while also being taken on an emotional journey through the creative use of participant interviews, color, voice over, actor portrayals, original music and dance.
PVM: What Were Some of the Biggest Challenges You Faced in Making This Short Film?
Coming from an acting background, making “Absent of Me” was a crash course in filmmaking. As a first-time filmmaker I had to learn the ropes quickly and trust my instincts, which isn’t always easy in those moments when imposter syndrome creeps in. Fortunately, I had the support of our director of photography Brandon Bordelon, who has a wealth of experience in filmmaking and was able to offer guidance and insight throughout the entire process.
As a completely self-funded project, I also had to navigate budget challenges and find creative solutions for capturing the stories of those living out of state and outside of the country since we weren’t able to film them in person. All of that, plus weathering a global pandemic, presented its fair share of challenges, which is partially why it took five years to get the project over the finish line.
PVM: What’s Next for “Absent of Me”?
I’ve recently begun the process of submitting the film to film festivals of all sizes. I’m also considering alternate screening options, such as through local organizations. Wherever it ends up, my hope is that “Absent of Me” will find a home where it’s appreciated for its educational value and efforts in raising mental health awareness. I want to highlight the important work IDS is doing and elevate the voices of the individuals who so vulnerably and generously shared their stories for the film.
PVM: What Do You Want Audiences To Ultimately Take Away From “Absent of Me”?
I want people to know that they’re not alone. I’ve learned this firsthand through my own experiences as well as from my time working in crisis intervention. We all want to be seen and feel that our story matters.
For people struggling with depersonalization, my hope is that they will gain a sense of relief in watching this film by finally being able to put a name to what they’ve been feeling, much like I did when I first stumbled upon Jeffrey Abugel’s book, Feeling Unreal back in 2015. Never would I have imagined as I sat there reading his book on an evening train ride back from New York that I would one day meet Jeffrey and be able to thank him for all his book has done for me. Not only that, but I never would have guessed that he’d agree to take a chance on a first-time filmmaker who may have lacked experience, but made up for it in passion, empathy and tireless dedication.
Erin McCluskey is represented by Beck Talent.
By PositiveVibes Magazine Staff